Directed by Mark Dindal

Long, long ago, the world was forever changed by its introduction to the most condescending and conceited man in history, Emperor Kuzco. The Emperor’s New Groove is an admittedly manic but polished (and endlessly quotable) buddy epic that will unfailingly put you in a good mood.

THE PLOT

Self-obsessed Kuzco (David Spade), a young emperor with zero empathy or morals, is looking for the perfect hilltop on which to build his summer home, Kuzcotopia (complete with water slide). As it turns out, that perfect plot of land happens to be the hundred-year home of a wonderful farming family, which means they’ll need to move out ASAP — news which the family’s patriarch, Pacha (John Goodman), is unceremoniously given after a days-long journey to the emperor’s palace.

On a roll of day-ruining, Kuzco follows up his meeting with Pacha by firing his royal advisor, Yzma (Eartha Kitt) and her dim-witted muscle-man-slash-sidekick Kronk (Patrick Warburton). Yzma’s been after Kuzco’s throne for ages, so it isn’t a huge surprise when she hatches a plan to kill Kuzco and take his place as ruler of the kingdom.

Unfortunately, her murder attempt is thwarted by poor organization of the palace’s potion collection (coupled with Kronk’s adorable stupidity) and she ends up turning him into a llama instead.

And thus begins the adventure of a lifetime as Kuzco attempts to regain both his human form and rightful place as heir with the help of Pacha and his family, a task for which they’ll hopefully be repaid with the protection of their home.

The CAST (Have you ever seen such a stacked deck?)

Spade, sometimes too excessive for his roles, has the perfect voice for animation, which helps close the gap between the sociopathic narcissism of act one Kuzco and the reluctant kindheartedness of coda Kuzco.

Goodman (on absolute fire right after The Big Lebowski, O Brother, Where Art Thou?, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Coyote Ugly and a year before Monsters, Inc.) lends his softness to construct a truly lovable character in Pacha.

No one else could have expressed Kronk the way Patrick Warburton did, and thank god we have it preserved. I borrow lines from his battle between good and evil all the time (because my shoulder devil has never promised me that he’d “lead you down the path that rocks“).

And, most importantly, most iconically, most unforgettably: the incomprable Eartha Kitt as Yzma. That cackling voice so perfectly matches the skeletal poses and vibrant purple costumes of her character. What other twisted mind could devise a plan so wicked as to turn someone into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then put that flea inside of a box, and put that box inside of another box, and then mail that box to themselves, and when it arrives, smash it with a hammer? All hail Yzma.

THE VIBES

There simply isn’t a dull moment. I’m obsessed with Kronk’s theme song, especially when he holds an extended note and freeze-frames while strangers walk past him. I want to install a roller coaster in my house that leads to a secret lab and also somehow dresses me in a lab coat. And what I wouldn’t give to dine at the restaurant where Kuzco and Yzma almost cross paths in full disguise and the waitress orders three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. 

Every detail is perfect, every character is intentionally designed, the pacing is so fast but never leaves you behind, and the jokes are spot on — hilarious for kids but offering so much to adults, too.

THE QUOTES

If you’ve seen this masterpiece, I dare you to read any of the following lines in a normal voice.

• You threw off my groove
• No touchy
• Wrong lever!
• It’s dinner time
• Look at me and my bad self, I snatched you right out of the air
• Eh, Pacha?
• Squeak, squeakin’, squeak, squeakity

FINAL THOUGHTS

I can’t be complimentary enough about this Disney icon. It’s so unique, especially next to the other movies of the era, and it holds up so well. If it’s raining or you’re sad or you need an escape, may I humbly recommend The Emperor’s New Groove.

My rating: 5/5

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